Wait one
Wait two
Three
Hey. What's up, everybody? I'm Thurgood Jenkins.
You know, it's funny, but I can trace
the entire path of my life to one childhood memory.
My last clear memory, really.
You see, it was the summer before ninth grade.
It was me, Brian, Kenny, Scarface,
and of course the loveable Old James.
Oh, hold on. Wait a minute.
Old James... Old James wasn't there.
I don't even know nobody named Old James. Shoot.
Go on!
Why don't you light it up there, brother?
All right. Here goes nothing.
I don't remember graduating.
And my first sexual experience, I don't remember that either.
But, man, I will never forget the first time I smoked
that sweet, sweet cheeba.
Feel anything?
Yeah, I feel my chest caving in.
This stuff didn't even work. Man!
Come on. Let's get some candy and get out of here, B.
I've heard people say they don't get high the first time they smoke.
Not me. Oh, not us.
We were really, really high.
We was toe up!
Do you guys feel different?
A little.
How about you, Scarface?
How you doing, Kenny? Kenny?
I haven't been so thirsty in my entire life.
Do you guys hear that?
Feels like Jerry Garcia's in my head.
Am I going crazy?
We look at that day
as the day we met the fifth member of our crew,
marijuana!
Oh, Lord, we was hooked!
So, now we all live together in New York.
I myself am a master of the custodial arts,
or a janitor if you want to be a dick about it.
Anyway, I work at this lab,
Frankensense and Burr Pharmaceutical.
They do pharmaceutical testing
for the government and big corporations and...
And I am the happiest custodian alive.
This job sucks.
Abba Zabba,
you my only friend.
It could be worse. I could have Scarface's job.
Heifer with cheese.
You son of a bitch, I'm right behind you!
Turn around and ask me for a Heifer with cheese, yo!
Why you gotta make me feel inferior 'cause I'm on the grill, B?
Damn!
Scarface is kind of a hyper guy for a pothead.
Sorry.
Kenny is probably doing the best out of all of us.
He's a kindergarten teacher at some school downtown,
which I know might scare a lot of parents, seeing as how he's a weedhead and all.
But let me tell you, man, that guy does wonders for those children's self-esteem.
Thank you. Oh, I love you so much, little one.
All of you. All of you. It's so good.
Brian works at a new and used record store.
Hi.
He gets to talk about music all day. I got a used Kenny Loggins album.
Perfect job for a stoner.
Lady, you want seven bucks for a used Kenny Loggins record?
I'll give you five. He autographed it himself.
All right, I'll give you four.
Jan, stop it, man.
As far as herb goes,
you can get it all over this town.
I mean, they might call it the city that never sleeps, but I'll tell you this,
it takes a lot of fucking weed naps.
Free!
You can get the stuff at little corner stores called bodegas.
Say it with me,
Yes, very good.
These places always have incredibly old products.
Cómo estás, fellas? Hey. Hey.
But the weed ain't bad.
Let me get four dime bags.
I don't have no idea what you're talking about.
Jose, you crazy, man. He's crazy.
Come on, man. Let me get them dimes.
See, the problem with bodegas is they never remember you.
You always have to do something extreme to let 'em know you're cool.
Hey, fellas. Y'all know me. Come on, now. Look at this.
Hey, black ass.
Why you didn't moon us earlier, eh?
It was a little degrading.
If you desperate, you can get it
from the Rastas at Washington Square Park,
but their stuff ain't even weed most the time.
I don't fall for that shit anymore.
Then there's a delivery service run by a guy named Samson Simpson.
Now, when you can afford it, this is the best way.
I mean, you can get anything you want,
from weed to heroin.
Now, I don't do drugs, though. Just weed.
Coming.
See, all you have to do is call them up, and a half hour later,
you got a delivery guy at your house.
What a country!
Hi, you called about your plumbing? Empty pipes?
Secret code.
Come on in.
You want highs, mediums or lows?
How are the highs, man?
I say they got a piney taste, almost minty.
Notice the little red hairs. Yeah.
And the rich greenery? I see those.
And it's definitely the highest grade hydroponics in the city.
What, did you go to weed college? Damn, nigger.
All right. Give me a 50 bag of that.
Been a pleasure. Pleasure's all mine.
Tell Samson I said hello, would ya? Sure thing.
Now, everybody has their own little ritual when it comes to smoking.
Dope has arrived, fellas.
And we were no different.
Break out Billy Bong Thornton. Yeah.
Billy, good to see you, man.
All right. Light it up.
Shoes off.
Oh, Brian, put yours back on, man.
For real, amigo. Do your sock laundry, yo.
Gentlemen, assume your positions.
Yeah.
Fire in the hole.
We found it on the corner
So when we say
Bip Oxygen
Oh bip
That's good
Yo, who's on munchies tonight, yo?
Not me.
I guess that'd be me.
What do you guys want?
Get some
sour cream and onion chips
with some dip, man.
Some beef jerky. Some peanut butter.
Get some Häagen-Dazs ice cream bars. A whole lot.
Make sure chocolate. Gotta have chocolate, man.
Some popcorn. Bread. Popcorn. Graham crackers.
Graham crackers with the marshmallows, the little marshmallows.
And little chocolate bars. We'll make some s'mores, man.
Yeah, that's what I was saying, yo.
Also celery, grape jelly, Captain Crunch with the little crunch berries.
Pizzas. We need two big pizzas, man.
Everything on 'em. With water, whole lot of water.
And... Funyuns.
Yeah.
That's it? Yeah.
Anything else?
Oh, yeah. Get me a box of condoms,
and what's that stuff?
We used to eat it all the time back in the day.
Pussy. That's right. You got it.
Thanks, man.
Hey, hey!
If I'm not back in 10 minutes, call the police.
If he ain't back in 10 minutes, we calling Domino's.
I'm hungry, man. All right, yo.
Hey, girl. You hungry?
Fuck you, nigger!
Hey, I'm sorry. I was talking to the horse.
See the trouble you're getting me into?
You're hungry, aren't ya? Here.
You like popcorn.
It makes your teeth go pop, pop, pop.
This is Buster Phillips, and coming in at number eight, like El Niño,
Samson Gets Me Lifted, by my main man. Who? Sir Smoka Lot.
This guy is weed crazy. Look at that.
What do you want, Master? Bitch, you know what I want.
I wanna talk to Samson
Fly me to the moon like that bitch Alice Kramden
'Cause it's hard being black and gifted
Sometimes I wanna throw it all down and get lifted
That is so cool, man.
He got the same dealer as us. What you mean?
Samson. Oh, right.
Everybody knows in my neighborhood it's the bestest around
Samson's shit is blessed
Got the whole town on lockdown
That's where I want to live. Right there.
Think about this shit please
I'm all out.
I'm all out of food. You ate it all.
Gee, you must've been so hungry.
Buttercup! Buttercup!
I need an ambulance, now! Officer down.
I repeat, Officer down!
What the hell did you give my Buttercup?
I just gave him some candy and some chips
and some pink popcorn and some Funyuns...
This horse is a diabetic!
Buttercup. Buttercup.
Don't you leave me. Breathe, Buttercup.
Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Why?
You're under arrest. What?
You dumb son of a bitch! No!
I'm a... I'm a peaceful man.
I'm a schoolteacher!
Shut up! You're a cop killer.
Cop killer? I love horses.
I love horses. I love horses.
I love buttered stuff. Buttercup.
Say it. Butter nuts.
Cup. Cup. Cup. Cup.
Why must you rage? Stop the hate, child.
Bail is set at one million dollars
for the crime of killing an officer of the law.
And may God have mercy on your soul, young man.
Court is adjourned.
Back to your cells. Lockdown.
Good night, Fish.
Fish! Fish! Fish! Fish! Fish!
My weed's wearing off.
Guess who?
Yo. Thurgood.
Hey, nigger, what time is it? It's 8:30.
Kenny didn't come home last night. We are worried, man.
Word, yo. Where the hell is he?
Did he just move?
Come on, guys. We gotta get Kenny out of jail, man.
Hey, Kenny. How they treating you in there?
Let's just say I'm not getting the respect
a cop killer deserves.
All right, time's up.
I was up all night getting harassed.
Hi, there, Fish. See what I mean?
I think they're mistaking my kindness for weakness.
I'm scared.
Hey, Kenny, we're gonna get you out of there, man.
All we gotta do is raise 10 percent of one million, yo.
Which, by our calculations... Is fucking impossible, man!
Hey!
Sorry, man. I'm sorry.
All my life, I did everything right.
I never screwed up. I fed the horse.
I didn't know it was a diabetic.
I'm scared.
Kenny, stop crying. Stop crying, Kenny. Look at me.
Come on. Don't let them see you cry in there.
Come on, man. Show me your mean face. No.
Yes, show me your mean face, Kenny.
That's good.
I mean, work on it a little bit, but it's good.
Kenny, how long can you make it in there?
I don't know. Maybe 5:00, 6:30.
Come on, man. It's gotta be a little longer than that.
But... But... But we'll get you out, right, guys?
Yeah, you're out. You're out of here. Free as a bird.
Number nine, time's up!
Time's up, number nine. That's me.
Let's go.
I love you guys.
Have fun, Ken.
Cuídate, yo.
He looked all right, man.
They gonna kill him in there, yo.
Hey, lady. Miss, is this your purse?
Yes. I'm sexy.
I'm a scholar.
People like me. Give it to me.
Bye. Hey, where you going?
I'm leaving. Well, can I leave with ya?
Follow me.
And your name is? Mary Jane.
Really? Yes.
So what's up with this? Is that your work uniform?
Nah, this is my costume.
Tomorrow I'll be a cowboy, the day after that an Indian.
Every day of the week, I dress up like a different Village Person.
It's a thing I'm into.
Nah, I'm a custodian.
So, what are you here for?
Possession of narcotics.
Wow.
My father's a drug dealer.
Wow, that must've been the shit.
It ruined his life.
That must've been shitty.
I don't do drugs. Drugs make me sick.
They're bad for your body. Up with hope, down with dope.
Thurgood. Come on, man. We gotta go.
Get on the train. Toke up before we go to work.
Yo, let's go, B.
What are you doing, man?
Bouncy. Body. Is that Prell? Do you use Prell?
Yeah. That's what I'm talking about.
Hey, guys. Meet Mary Jane.
That's what he's saying. We wanna burn one.
No, no. This is Mary Jane.
Meet her. Say hello to her. Shake her hand even.
Oh, my fault. What's up? Hi.
All right. Hey.
Listen, do you guys need a ride? I have a car.
You don't have to take the subway.
Wow, you smoke?
No, my grandmother died of lung cancer.
I'm sorry to hear that.
Well, that's all the more reason to toke up, man. Ease the pain.
What I'm talking about.
You know, I think what they're trying to say is we'd love a ride home.
Great.
What the hell's wrong with y'all? She looked good.
Mary Jane! What is that about, man?
I hate y'all.
Shotgun!
Hey, thanks for this ride. We really appreciate it.
Sure.
Guys, shut up about the weed for two seconds.
I don't want this girl to know I smoke.
Yeah, it's bad enough you're a janitor, yo.
Custodian, dick.
Hey! Hey.
It's really real
Said they're looking for brains guts looks and skills
Step on up if you think you fit the bill Yeah
I know what you look like but looks can be deceivin'
Let me check the brain so I can justify the reason
Yeah Mister
This good for ya?
Could you drop me in the lobby? It's perfect.
I could feel she wanted me to say something.
I had to make my move while the guys were asleep.
I'm real bad at this, but you think sometime we could get together,
maybe go out for some ice cream or something?
Motherfucker said, ice cream!
Damn. Okay!
All the boys in the car need to get out. Such a dork, man.
I'm talking to you. Thanks a lot, fellas.
Thanks for the ride. Thurgood!
I knew it! You forgot your hat.
I knew it.
You know, I might've came on too strong with the whole ice cream thing.
Let me just give you my number. Is that cool?
Okay. All right.
Now, don't call too late,
'cause you know I be stripping in the evenings.
Joking!
Here you go. You can call me anytime you want.
Maybe.
Maybe is an acceptable answer.
It's that "no" thing that gets me.
Maybe I'll hear from you.
Bye. Be thinking about you.
Dr. Kablecki,
please report to Clinical Studies.
Dr. Kablecki.
Janitor? Janitor?
Sorry about that. What is it, scientist?
Could you... I know this isn't your responsibility,
but would you be a dear and run this down to the supply department?
It's on the second floor.
Just run this down? Yes.
But make sure you bring the order right back to me.
I need it ASAP. Got ya.
I know this isn't your responsibility,
but mop the rest of this shit up.
I'll be right back.
What it smell like? Smell like...
No.
No. I smell weed, man.
Hey. Here you go.
This all you need?
I guess. I don't know.
Just a sec. Okay.
Damn.
Either someone's having a party,
or somebody gotta do their shirt laundry.
Here you go.
One pound of marijuana, and you can sign for it right here.
I sign for this, and it's mine?
And I take it?
Oh, yeah.
Thank you. Thank you very much.
Some good shit.
Oh, thank you, thank you, thank you.
Look, here's...
Here's a little something for your troubles.
Thank you. Thank you.
Let's not tell anyone about it, okay? Sure.
Hey, why didn't you tell me you were into this shit?
We could've been hanging out months ago. No, no, no.
The Food and Drug Administration are having us do a study to determine what,
if any, are the medicinal purposes of marijuana.
Wow.
If you ever need a guinea pig, let me know.
My grandfather was in the Tuskegee experiments.
Oh, really?
Anyway, thank you, janitor. Enjoy.
Thank you, scientist. Got any papers?
No cocktail party would be complete without the ice plant.
Hey, fellas. What's going on?
What's up? Nothing, man.
Bumming, thinking about Kenny.
Yeah.
I got some weed at work today, if y'all wanna try it out.
Nah, yo. We don't feel like smoking right now.
Me neither. Me neither.
So, y'all want to smoke? I'll get Billy Bong Thornton.
That's what I'm talking about.
No, Scarface. No Billy Bong Thornton without Kenny.
That would not be right, man. Use Wesley Pipes. Yeah.
Man, they got whole bunch of this stuff at work.
One of those scientists gave it to me.
Ain't tried the shit out yet, but it smells like the bomb.
All right. Yeah, man. Yeah.
I'll do the honors.
Excuse me. Please do.
Yo, this shit must be good, B.
My man ain't coughed like that since back in the day.
You sure I should do this, man?
Oh, yeah. That shit made my head hot.
Oh, man.
Pass it this way. Don't break the cipher.
Oh, hold it. I gotta give The Guy some of this.
The Guy gotta taste this. Yeah.
Hey, Guy.
Hey, man. Sorry to wake you, but you gotta try this.
I'm taking it slow, man.
Hey, who's on munchies tonight?
We should make that lazy bitch, The Guy, go.
For real.
I don't know about y'all, but I can't even move.
Real, B, right?
It's like I feel stuck here, yo.
I'm glued to the floor.
You guys feel like you're floating?
Yeah. Yeah.
Wanna go outside? Yeah.
I don't need to tell you this, but this weed
was the shiz-nittle-bam snip-snap-sack!
Look! Wow, look at that!
Hey, you guys.
Let's go check in on Kenny, huh?
You're not a fish. You're a man.
Where did that come from?
We've really gotta get this guy out of jail.
You walk around on both legs, Homo erectus!
Did I say homo? I didn't mean that!
Thurgood! Thurgood!
I got it! I know how we could get Kenny out.
How?
Weed, man. We'll sell weed.
Man, you can't up and decide to sell weed.
You gotta know people to plug you into that kind of thing.
I do! Who you know?
You, yo. Me?
What, you think I can just walk in and take this shit?
I gotta... I gotta get a form from a scientist.
Well, how hard can it be, man?
There's gotta be forms laying around.
I mean, they are scientists.
What the fuck are you talking about, man?
Look, I'm not stealing weed. We are not selling weed.
We are three reasonably bright young men.
Bully, man. Word, yo.
There has got to be a legitimate way to come up with this money.
We just gotta think. That's all that is.
Wait. Wait. I think I got an idea.
Why don't we sell that shit we smoked the other night, yo?
Yeah.
You suggested that already. For real, B?
Marijuana affects the memory.
It won't take us hardly any time, B.
Too risky, man. Stop being such a wussy, yo.
What other choice do we have, right? Yeah.
Okay, fine. Fine. We'll do it.
Yeah.
Gonna do it till Kenny's out, and we're done.
We're not drug dealers. We're fund-raisers.
Of course, B. Bully, man.
Okay.
Scarface, lay it on me, brother.
Check it out, yo. It's like this.
Scarface's plan wasn't that bad.
Hey, good night, Mike. See you tomorrow.
Good night.
All I had to do was get forms
from that scientist that kept calling me janitor,
forge one of the forms and put the order in like I did before.
Thank you.
Then we scraped together what little money we had
and bought bikes to help us move the product,
then stapled samples of our weed on the back of our business cards.
Then we called the company Mr. Nice Guy in honor of our friend Kenny.
Hey, you guys believe in angels or...
Man, give me your fruit cocktail.
Well, I can't.
If I did that, then I'd have to give it to you every day,
and I won't get all my vitamins.
Do you know who you're dealing with?
Chill, Nasty Nate.
He's my bitch.
Anybody gonna stab him, it's gonna be me.
You got a problem with that?
Watch your back, Fish,
'cause Squirrel Master ain't gonna be there for you all the time.
'Cause next time I come for you,
I'm gonna want some cocktail fruit.
Take it.
I'm somebody's bitch.
You guys gotta do something.
There's this guy Nasty Nate who's after my cocktail fruit,
and everyone here likes fresh fish.
And then the Squirrel Master came out of left field and told me I'm his bitch.
Help! Ken, listen. We got a plan.
What is it?
It's not the most honest plan. You might not like it.
We gonna sell weed, yo. Yeah, great. Weed. Good. Go.
All right, man. Go!
No more window love. Go and sell it.
We figured the best way to spread the word was to hit the streets.
And hit the streets we did.
Mary Jane How y'all feel about Mary Jane
Y'all don't know about Mary Jane Mary Jane
So listen to what they say 'cause Mary never could trip
Mary very very necessary Extraordinary bein' Mary
To the mortuary
One kiss from her sweet lips and out come a-vision
Three for dinner.
Smoke that and get back to us.
Mr. Nice Guy has arrived, baby. He's on.
All right.
I'm in love with Mary Jane I'm not the only one
Oh, yes.
Mary likes to play around
Look at all these people!
All right, guys. Be quick. Let's just do this and get out of here.
Let's go, man. Let's go. It's money.
Mary likes to spread her love
And turn my head around
I'm in love with Mary Jane
She is my main thing
She make me feel all right
She make my heart sing
All right, how'd you guys make out?
Good. I'm all out of cards, B. Me too.
That would make three of us.
All right. We did our part, right?
I just hope they smoke it.
If you love me Mary Jane Mary Jane
We're talkin' about Mary Jane
How y'all feel about Mary Jane Mary Jane
She's my main thing
We're talkin' about Mary Jane
Damn, this weed is good.
Y'all don't know about Mary Jane Mary Jane
She make my heart sing
This is so... We are in business, man.
Hold on. Hold on.
Mr. Nice Guy. Oh, I may have the wrong number.
Is Thurgood around? Speaking.
Oh, hey, hey. It's Mary Jane.
Do you remember? I gave you a ride home from prison?
Well, could you be a little more specific?
I get so many rides home from prison.
That was a joke. Oh.
What happened? I didn't think you were gonna call me.
Well, I wasn't, but then I decided I don't care what my friends think.
See, that was a joke. Get it? A little joke.
Not funny. So, you wanna get together?
Okay. Sure. When?
How 'bout right now? Just meet me at the place you dropped us off at.
Okay. Can you give me half an hour?
Yeah, half an hour's cool. Great.
All right. Okay. I'll see you there.
Bye. Bye-bye.
I've got a date with Mary Jane!
Word, yo? Yes!
All right, man. Y'all got money?
The date couldn't have come at a worse time.
I was flat broke.
All my money was tied up in our drug-dealing venture.
I only had eight bucks.
This was gonna take some careful budgeting and maneuvering.
Hey.
Watch the master at work.
You look great. You look wonderful. Thank you.
You know what? I was thinking it's so nice out,
wanna go for a walk?
Yeah, sure. We can go for a walk.
Good. Good. Let's.
So far, so good.
Three hours and 14 miles later, I hadn't spent one penny.
Damn, I was good!
And then it happened.
I'm hungry too.
Hey, you wanna eat at the Happy Palace?
How 'bout a hot dog, huh?
Hey, what luck. Hot dog.
Hey, what can I get you?
Could I have a hot dog with ketchup and sauerkraut?
Sauerkraut's 50 cents extra. Damn!
I've not had a hot dog in so long.
Come on. Let's get out of here.
Anything to drink? You son of a bitch!
Yes. Could I have a Pepsi, please?
Anything for you, sir? No. I'm fine. Thank you.
Greedy bastard!
Didn't you promise me ice cream the other day?
I know a really good place uptown.
Great. Let's hoof it.
Do you mind if we take a cab this time?
Sure.
Thanks a lot, buddy.
You should be happy with the tip I gave you. Damn.
You should be kissing my ass. You guys are greedy.
Best ice cream in town.
Spare change for some food? Oh.
Don't mind if I do. Thanks, young brother.
No, thank you.
Yeah, I mean, I do miss my dad.
But he deserves to be where he is.
Drug dealers belong in jail.
Yeah. Yeah, wow.
Yeah. How long he been in there?
Four years next month. Four years.
And what exactly was he selling? Marijuana.
Four years just for weed? Damn!
Just? No, no, no, no. Not just.
Marijuana is terrible. It's a gateway drug.
I mean, everybody knows that it leads to other stuff.
Yeah, mostly junk food.
You don't smoke weed, do you?
Come on, Mary Jane.
I mean, do I look like somebody that would smoke... marijuana?
So you swear you don't? Yeah, sure.
Okay, well, swear on this banana split that you don't do marijuana.
What? Oh, my God.
Do you swear?
Yes, Mary Jane. I swear.
That you got pretty eyes.
That's good.
That's real good.
I got some booty
It was really good too.
She was a giver, a caring nurturer.
She held me in her arms, and it was like I was 15 years old all over again.
I was hooked on Mary Jane.
The next morning the phones blew up like we were having a fucking telethon, man.
Everybody in New York was calling to get down with Mr. Nice Guy.
We met all kinds of customers, like this guy here.
He's what we call an enhancement smoker,
'cause he thinks marijuana makes every activity that much better.
Observe.
You're Scarface, right? Yeah.
I love Al Pacino, man.
Did you ever see Scent of a Woman? Yep.
Did you ever see Scent of a Woman... on weed?
That's the way to see it, man! It's just whacked! Pow!
Sixty bucks, yo. That's cool, man.
I got it. I got it.
Did you ever see the back of a $20 bill, man?
Man, I don't know, yo.
Did you ever see the back of a $20 bill... on weed?
Oh, there's some weird shit in there, man!
There's a dude sitting in the bushes. Does he have a gun?
I don't know, man. What? What?
Red team go. Red team go.
Just some weird shit, man. Man, you're fucking crazy, yo.
Take your shit. No, that's cool. Thanks, man.
Hey, yo, wait! Dude, I'm gonna check out the stars later.
It's really trippy. Especially on weed, man.
A scavenger smoker is someone who never has weed of their own.
But as soon as you smoke it, here they come.
Damn!
What up? Man!
What's up, dogs? Scoot over. Let me get in here, man.
What y'all doing? Nothing.
Nothing? Yeah, just chilling.
I smell it. Let me inhale it. Let me have some.
All right, man. Just one hit, you scavenger.
Always come around.
Can't even smoke weed in peace.
I ain't even into the motherfucker yet. Back up, brother.
You know we sell this? I don't know if you knew that.
It's too bad, man. I just stopped smoking yesterday.
I'm gonna get up out of here. Y'all stay up, now. Nice seeing y'all.
Yeah. Look at that shit. Man.
Then there's the You Should've Been There smoker.
They love talking about the old days, back when weed was grass.
Hell, back in the '60s, we used to smoke that shit on the street.
Cops didn't say nothing. Hell, they was getting high too.
Everybody was doing it.
It wasn't the thing to do because it was the thing to do, you know?
It was the thing to do because it got you high.
Can you dig? I feel ya. That's why I'm doing it.
I feel it.
Man, you're cool as shit, mister.
I hate to do it, but I gotta charge you. That's 60 bucks.
Sixty bucks? Yeah.
Man, I remember when a dime bag cost a dime, you know what I mean?
You know how much condoms used to cost in them days?
How much? I don't know. We never used 'em.
We call this kid the After School Special smoker.
He spends all of his allowance on reefer. Thanks, little buddy.
Now, in the next room, his father, and I'm 40, But I'm Still Cool smoker,
is toking up, trying to figure out a way to bond with his son.
Isn't that ironic? Don't you think?
'Course across town, the kid's Nana's smoking up, trying to ease her glaucoma.
And it's good for arthritis too.
We made over 20 grand that first week, man.
And because we were stealing the weed, not buying it, it was all profit.
But if we were gonna save Kenny, we had to deliver full-time.
Scarface quit his job.
Still waiting on that Heifer, Julio.
Fuck you. Fuck you.
Fuck you. You're cool.
And fuck you. I'm out!
Brian was gonna quit, but they fired him before he could.
Don't worry. Don't worry.
I'm not gonna do what everyone thinks I'm gonna do.
Flip out, man!
All I wanna know is, who's coming with me?
Who's coming, man? Who's coming with me?
Huh? Who's coming with me, man?
I will. Jan.
Thank you, Jan. Yeah.
That's what I'm talking about.
Bully, man. Yeah.
Jan, will you be my girlfriend?
I would, but I'm gay, you know?
Oh. I'm a big dyke.
What's that like?
Thank you for calling. Thank you very much. Bye-bye.
We had to hire that girl Jan 'cause she followed Brian.
But it actually worked out. Mr. Nice Guy.
She was more organized than we were, and she was willing to work for weed.
All right, then.
Mr. Nice Guy was blowing up, man.
We got customers from all over New York.
We even stole a few from Samson. Oh, what's up, nigger?
Come on in, man. Come on, weed man.
Thanks, baby.
Get on. Beat it. You're scaring him.
Ha! Sir Smoka Lot.
What can I get you today, Smoka Lot? Love weed.
Let me get a pound of your sweetest cheeba.
Damn. Yes!
Something told me to bring a lot of weed, man.
Shit. Pound of my sweetest cheeba.
Don't get no better than that. Can smell it through the bag.
That's gonna be 9,600 bucks, bro.
Let's see what I got here.
Come on, man. Hang out for a minute. Smoke with me.
I got weed. I got my bong out. Come on, son.
For you, man, I'll stay for a minute.
But then I gotta be... Gotta be going.
I understand.
And Smoka Lot opened up to me like I was Barbara Walters.
It was ridiculous. He told me about his lawyer.
He had sex with my mama! Why?
His spirituality. God, if you listening, help!
His bad back. Doctor said I need a backeotomy.
His love life.
I'm impotent, man. Get away from me, bitch!
I mean, talk about a guy with problems.
Tough break.
I can't take it no more. No wonder he smokes a pound a week.
Somebody...
So now we had a famous clientele and...
Greeneyes gonna miss you.
And guess what else?
Call me next week about weed, about weed.
I got more booty! I got more booty!
I don't mean to rub it in, folks.
It's just that, you know, I liked this so much, man.
When I was with her, I didn't even think about weed.
Didn't have to. Bye.
She was all the Mary Jane I needed.
When I was young
I never needed anyone
Makin' love was just for fun
Those days are gone
All by myself
What did I tell you, Nate? Come on. Come on.
Come on. Come on, Nate.
He had to stay vigilant.
Wash off your...
Kenny's butthole was in constant jeopardy.
But we were making money.
Hey, what's up, mates?
What's up, man? What's up, boy?
What's up, yo? Nada. I'm just chilling.
Hey, guys. Why is there a dog biting The Guy?
'Cause I bought a dog, B. Bought a dog?
For how much? Oh, it's cool. Yo, he's used.
Including the house, it was only 250, yo.
You spent $250 on a used dog?
And a dog house, yo. Brian bought something, too.
For $400, I got Jerry Garcia in a pouch, man.
Who the hell told you that? The guy who sold it to me. Barry Garcia.
And what he's supposed to be? Jerry Garcia's brother?
No. Actually, it's Andy Garcia's brother.
Why the hell are you guys spending money?
We're not drug dealers, remember?
We're fund-raisers.
Well, you said you gave Mary Jane a pearl necklace.
How much did that cost, man?
You know, obviously you missed the point of that story, Brian.
Come on, guys. Return this shit. We can't, yo.
Why am I telling Mary Jane I don't have any money?
'Cause you're a fibber. No, because we don't have any money.
The money we do have is not for spending.
It's for saving Kenny's sweet virgin ass, man!
If you guys spend one more dime, I swear I will bitch-slap you.
Give me that.
Sorry for yelling. But I'm serious.
We gotta start being more responsible and focused.
All right? Let's be sharp.
Scarface, your dog is mean, man.
I know, all right.
Somebody gotta do something about this shit right now.
Come here, doggie.
Hey, little fellow. Smell it?
Hey! Smell it. Okay. All right.
Good boy.
He likes it. He loves it, man.
Of course he loves it. Yeah, your paws are tingling, aren't they?
Now you're one of us.
Get it, Killer.
He likes it, yo. Yeah, man, he really likes it.
Good for you, man. Man, what did you guys do to him, yo?
Nothing, man. Yo, Killer. Kill! Killer, kill!
This weed is fantastic!
We kept plugging away with the weed deliveries,
and we kept meeting different kinds of smokers, like this lady.
She's an I'm Only Creative If I Smoke smoker.
Hi.
She believes weed, and only weed, brings out the artist in her.
Would you like to hear some of my poetry? Not really.
You really should.
"I have killed I have helped kill
"I have killed part of myself I cannot change this, I
"I must seek Buddha I must seek Christ"
You must seek therapy.
That's what I would go with, but that's my own...
The MacGyver smoker is a very handy guy to have around,
especially when it comes to reefer.
Hey, man, we're out of papers.
All right. Then get me a toilet paper roll, a corkscrew and some tin foil.
We don't have a corkscrew.
All right. Then get me an avocado, an ice pick and my snorkel.
Trust me, bro. I've made bongs with less. Hurry up!
And then you got
your straight-up potheads. Ooh!
You can spot these people by their lack of motivation,
mood swings, forgetfulness and, of course, the dreaded low sperm count.
I don't know which one of these categories we fall into, but I'll tell you this.
We ain't no goddamn potheads.
Shit.
Then you have the avid nonsmoker.
A lot of times they'll get your number accidentally from one of their girlfriends,
call up and place an order knowing they don't smoke weed
and request that you personally deliver it.
Then when you get there, they're all mad that it's you selling weed.
You smoke weed? At last we can share everything.
Get off me, you lying son of a bitch!
What is this?
Looks like some sort of a business card.
Yeah, with your number on it.
You know, I can't believe this!
I can't believe that I fell for another one of you lowlife assholes again.
God, what is wrong with me? Hey.
Hey, Mary Jane, I can explain everything, all right?
Goodbye, Thurgood. Wait! Hold up!
Hey, Mary Jane!
Mary Jane, look, the only reason I lied to you was because I like you
and I wanted to be with you.
Mary Jane.
Knight Rider.
A shadowy flight into the dangerous world
of a man who does not exist.
Thurgood, why the long face, man?
Mary Jane dumped me. Quiet down, yo.
Sir Smoka Lot's on TV. Cecil?
When life is hard I pick up that card with the smiley face
Call him over to my place
Box it. Man, it gets you high
And that's when things started going wrong.
Samson, it looks like somebody is cutting into your business, baby.
Shit. Do you like what you see, Samson?
Do I look like I like what I see?
Who is this Mr. Nice Guy?
I would imagine he's some sort of drug dealer.
Go get me this Mr. Nice Guy.
I wanna sit him down and ask him some questions.
Hey, Squirrel Master. Kenny.
Listen, I just wanted to say thank you for protecting me back there.
We didn't mind, huh, did we, Fuzzy Nuts?
I hope there's some way I can pay you back when we get on the outside.
You better hurry up. I get out in 11 days.
Is that right?
Kenny, 11 days?
That seems a little stiff, man.
Eleven days, Thurgood, I'm as good as skewered.
Ever take your clothes off and run backwards through a cornfield?
Hurry, Thurgood.
I'm counting on you, man! Please! Please!
Eleven days wasn't gonna give us much time.
We really had to hustle, and that meant taking on new customers.
Damn, B! I been set up.
We'll get back to that in a second.
But meanwhile I hadn't seen Mary Jane in, like, a week.
I couldn't stop thinking about her, man. I missed her.
Then I started thinking about the fact
that she was the only girl I slept with in five years.
Then I started thinking about the girl I slept with before Mary Jane.
I had to get Mary Jane back.
What do you want?
I want you back, Mary Jane.
I miss you. I'll do whatever it takes to get you back.
I can't quit selling it yet, but I'll quit smoking it.
If that's what you want, then, then I'll change for you.
Heard that before. Said that before.
But this time I mean it.
I'm gonna come back here. I'm gonna be clean.
I'm gonna be sober. There's no more weed, no more nothing.
Mary Jane, you'll see. I'll be back. I'll be a changed man.
There's a new Thurgood Jenkins today.
I love you.
Man, that first day of sobriety sucked.
And I realized something.
I was a real irritable guy
when I wasn't smoking marijuana.
I couldn't stop thinking about getting high.
It was time to get help.
Hi, everyone. My name is Thurgood.
Hi, Thurgood. Hi.
I'm here today because I'm addicted...
to marijuana.
You in here because of marijuana?
Marijuana?
Man, this is some bullshit!
Marijuana is not a drug.
I used to suck dick for coke. I seen him!
And that's an addiction, man.
You ever suck dick for marijuana? Huh?
No. No, I can't say I have. I didn't think so.
Boo this man! Boo!
No.
No!
Devil man.
Devil. 666. The mark of the beast!
No! Naughty!
Naughty jungle of love!
The man is serious. Calm down. How serious can it be?
He wants to see Mr. Nice Guy. He told me.
Oh, man.
No, yo!
They killed Killer, B!
Yo, Samson did this, man.
Yo, he killed Killer, man.
Hey. He killed...
I'm gonna call Brian.
Let's just give him a proper burial, all right?
I'm sorry, man.
Jesus Christ.
Oh! Watch it, man!
I'm sorry. You stepped on his head!
I'm sorry. I didn't even see him.
I gotta smoke. I have got to smoke.
What happened, man?
You wanna know what happened? I'll tell you what happened.
Samson and his girls came rolling up in here looking for me.
They was gonna mess me up if I didn't bring them Mr. Nice Guy.
So they probably roughed The Guy up,
then they started going to war with the apartment.
They had nunchucks, bolos. They be doing Indian burns.
Killer paid the price, yo.
He got the wrath. He got the wrath of the nunchucks, yo.
I think it's more complex than that.
More complex than that? You know what I think happened?
You want to hear what I think, man?
First of all, to understand what happened to Killer,
you gotta understand who Killer the dog was.
Now, Killer was born to a three-legged bitch mother.
He was always ashamed of this, man.
And right after that, he's adopted by this man, Tito Liebowitz.
He's a small-time gunrunner and rottweiler fight promoter.
So he puts Killer into training. They see Killer's good.
He is damn good.
But then he had the fight of his life.
They pit him against his brother Nibbles.
And Killer said, "No, man, that's my brother. I can't fight Nibbles!"
And he made them fight anyway.
And then Killer, he killed Nibbles.
And Killer said, "That's it."
He called off all his fights, and he started doing crack,
and he freaked out.
And then in a rage, he collapsed,
and his heart
no longer beat.
Wow.
You know, I never thought I'd say this to anybody,
but you two smoke entirely too much reefer.
What if The Guy did it?
No way. You think?
Yo?
Yo, The Guy, did you kill my dog?
I believe him, yo. I don't know why, but I do.
Samson did this shit, yo.
Mr. Nice Guy, Party Accessories.
Well, did you get my message?
Who is this?
This is Samson, smarty-pants.
Operator with an emergency breakthrough from your sister.
Samson, this is Sheila. Mama fell... Shut up, bitch!
You tell Mr. Nice Guy to get his Jamaican ass
over to my place at 3:00 tomorrow!
Now, you don't want me to get ugly. No, sir.
Shit. All right. I'll tell them.
Oh, my God.
We're in a lot of trouble.
Scarface, perhaps you could help me.
Why do you think Samson thinks that Mr. Nice Guy's a Jamaican?
Oh, 'cause I told him Mr. Nice Guy was Jamaican, yo.
Why?
I just thought he sounded Jamaican inside my head.
We're in a lot of trouble, guys.
We have a meeting with Samson tomorrow at 3:00.
Where are we gonna get a Jamaican?
I'll pretend I'm Jamaican, man.
Yeah.
You have smoked yourself retarded.
Well, well, well, if it isn't Mr. Nice Guy.
Welcome to my lair.
Well, now. Tell me a little bit about yourself.
Well, you know, I be from Jamaica, man.
Lord have mercy.
What part of Jamaica?
Right near the beach. Boy...
I think you're bullshitting me.
Samson Simpson, I stick by my story!
I'm from Jamaica.
If I wasn't Jamaican, then why would I wear this hat?
Delilah,
get me 814.
814.
What the fuck is 814?
Oh!
I'm sorry, y'all. I don't want to be the first nigger to die from a crossbow.
You know, I have been lying to you.
I'm sorry. Samson, I'm sorry. Okay?
We, we just started this because our friend got locked up.
Brother, you know how that is. We had to get him out of jail.
Now this is what's gonna happen.
You make about 40,000, 50,000 a week.
Shit. I wish. Well, I want half!
$20,000 a week, or you're dead!
You understand?
20,000 seems fair. That seems fair, right guys? It's fair.
Class dismissed.
Man, we are in trouble, man.
Jerry, I really need your help, man. Feel us.
Brian, will you stop praying to a bag of sand, man? Come on.
You heard the man.
If we don't get this money, we're dead. All of us!
Yo, Thurgood, why don't you get your boy, The Guy, to lend you some money?
You certainly let him stay here long enough.
Man, that's Brian's boy. I didn't let him stay here.
I don't know him, man.
Hey, what day is it? Saturday.
Is it January? No, man, it's August.
Oh, wow. August.
Hey, I couldn't help overhearing you guys.
You know, if you want to double your profits,
you should rob that lab.
Tomorrow's Sunday. There'll be no one in there.
Just go in and rob the place blind.
It'll work, I promise you.
Hey, seeing as how we don't know who you are,
are you planning on moving out anytime soon?
Thurgood, why don't you just focus on one thing at a time?
I'll be fine. The robbery is what's important now.
Phase One is complete, yo.
All right.
Now all we gotta do is go down this hatch to the second-floor supply room.
Grab all the weed you can grab, and we are out of here!
Sick, man! This is it? Let's do it.
Watch your step.
You didn't say nothing about no door, yo. Chill out, man.
I smoke weed here all the time. This door's never locked.
I didn't say the alarm would be off.
I said it never locked. Well, hurry, yo!
You guys, wait up!
Oh.
Hold up!
Isn't that Thurgood, the custodian? Yeah.
Want me to call the cops? No. This is too much fun.
Right over here! Come on!
I hope there's some left.
Maui Wowie!
I never seen this much weed in my life! Let's go!
Come on, man!
Get down on your knees with your hands behind your head.
Yo, I'm gonna make a run for it, B.
Just get down, man.
At least Brian got away, yo.
Whoa! My nads! Oh!
Hey, thank God, man!
Get down on your knees with your hands behind your head!
Move in.
Breaking and entering. You got me? Open and shut.
I say we book them. You got me? We book them.
Hey, wait a minute, guys.
It's not open and shut. What do you guys do for a living?
I'm a detective. Yeah, we're detectives.
Oh. Okay then, detect. Ask us something.
What do you know about this new Jamaican, this Mr. Nice Guy?
Yeah.
Shit, yo.
Well, I heard he's got great weed, but that's neither here nor there.
I mean, we can't bring him down. Crazy.
But we can bring you Samson.
Just ask me how. Ask me!
How are you gonna bring Samson down?
We got a meeting with him in a couple days.
I'll wear a wire.
All right, listen to me. There's $30,000 in this knapsack.
When you get in there, give him the 20 grand you owe him,
and with the remaining ten, buy whatever narcotics he's got around.
You got me? You paying attention?
No. Sorry, man.
Unless you say out loud what it is you're buying, we got nothing.
So make sure that you say it,
and make sure that you get Samson to say it.
No codes. No slang. Yeah.
As soon as you got the stuff, or if anything goes wrong, say the phrase, abracadabra.
Abracadabra. Abracadabra?
Okay. Okay. Make sure that you are relaxed.
And just act completely normal.
That's gonna be a problem. What do you mean?
I mean we haven't smoked any weed today, man.
If the three of us go in there all clear-eyed,
Samson is gonna know something's up.
Well, if you think it's gonna help.
Yeah. Yeah, I think that's gonna help. You got a light?
Thanks, Officer.
I just wanna say, that was a great idea, Thurgood.
Wow. I mean, where do you even... Just smoke it, yo!
If something happens to us, could you,
could you give this letter to Mary Jane Potman?
Sure thing, kid.
And, and tell our friend Kenny Davis we love him. He's in prison.
Let's go. Come on. All right. Let's move.
Just remember to speak clearly.
Get him to say what he's selling you. Yeah.
It ain't always good to get high before you have important things to do.
Lucky for us, the cops had our backs.
- Hello, boys. - Hi, Samson.
So, where's the money?
Right here in my bag.
Samson, can I ask you a question?
Go ahead.
Do you know where we can score some cocaine?
You want some candy? No, thanks.
But it'd be great if we can get some cocaine.
What's so funny? Those guys, those guys are doomed!
I can't feel my hands! I can feel them.
What we have here is some Colombian heaven.
- Pure cocaine. - Candy makes you dandy.
This is all the cocaine we get for ten G's, B?
We have other product. Oh, like more cocaine?
And that is?
Fine China. Babaloo.
Looks like heroin to me, yo. Yeah. Is that heroin?
You've got to be the dumbest dealers in the history of the dope game.
You mean the game that you run, yo? Good.
Just call me Jesse Owens.
Jesse, can we get some cocaine
and get the hell out of here?
Okay. Can I buy some of your heroin, too?
Okay.
All right.
It's been a pleasure doing business with you.
Thank you very much for the heroin and the cocaine.
Here's your money.
All right.
Abracadabra.
Yeah, man!
Abracadabra.
"You're all the Mary Jane I'll ever need."
Abracadabra, yo! Oh, abracadabra, man.
Abracadabra. Boy, why do you keep saying that?
What? Abracadabra?
Yes. Abracadabra.
It's the latest thing. All the kids are saying it, all right?
Abracadabra, my brother. What's up, Abracadabra?
Abracadabra. Slim, take off your shirt.
Samson, Samson, I hardly know you.
Ladies. Abracadabra.
Abracadabra, man! Abracadabra, yo!
Abracadabra! Abra...
You're dead!
All of you!
Hey, fellas, let's beat these bitches!
Let's work it out.
Oh, yo, your titty.
Now, that's a titty. Fully, man.
That is an official fully.
These are mean people. Look out!
Mean, mean, man.
This is for Killer, B.
Surprise, surprise, surprise.
Look who's walking.
Nigger, I thought you said you was crippled.
Well, sweet pea, we're all crippled in some way.
Put it down! You win.
Now, this is the way it's gonna work.
I'm gonna take your little Mexican friend with me,
and I'm gonna kill him.
I'm Cuban, B. Yes, Cuban B.
Now is there anything you want to say...
Jerry... ... to your friends?
we need you. Abracadabra, B!
Oh, man!
Oh, wow.
Sucks to be you, man!
Oh, man! Oh, man!
What did I... I told you he was real, man.
Jerry, thank you, man.
You're welcome, Brian.
Peace.
Well, abracadabra. Whoa!
All right. What the hell's going on here?
Our job is done. These guys can go home. You guys are wasted, man.
Thurgood, Thurgood. Nice letter.
Give me that back. Queer.
Everybody, freeze! Oh, shit!
Nobody move!
The cops took all the credit for busting Samson,
but that's not important.
What was important is that we cut a deal, and Kenny was finally free.
Hallelujah!
Which brings me to the Brooklyn Bridge,
where I had to make things right with Mary Jane.
Hi. Are you?
A little bit from yesterday, you know, when Kenny got...
But, but, but Mary Jane, listen.
I'm done. I'm done selling it.
I'm done smoking it. This is the last of it, right here.
I just wanted you to see me get rid of it.
Could we just have a... A moment alone?
Do what you gotta do. Be strong.
Thanks, baby.
Mary Jane,
being with you these past 11 years has been wonderful.
But I gotta move on.
Come on. Smoke me. Have a quickie for old time's sake.
No. She's looking.
She's looking. All right. Real quick.
No. No! It wouldn't be right.
God damn you!
You'll be back!
Everything work out okay?
Yeah. Mary Jane, I love you.
I love you, too.
I know. I know what you're thinking.
That old Thurgood sold out, right? I'm your girl now.
But let me tell you something. I love weed, okay? I love it.
But not as much as I love pussy.
I get lifted up
High, high, high, high
I get lifted up
High, high, high, high
Sitting here together, baby
We're alone
Now I can tell ya, girl
You turn me on
I get lifted up
High, high, high, high
I get lifted up
High, high, high, high
You've got the love that
The love I desire, babe
You've got the match
Ooh, that lights my life
I get lifted up
High, high, high, high
I get lifted up
High, high, high, high
I get lifted up
High, high, high, high
I get lifted up
High, high, high, high
You got the love that
The love I desire, babe
You've got the match
Ooh, that lights my fire
I get lifted up
High, high, high, high
I get lifted up
High, high, high, high
I get lifted up
High, high, high, high
I get lifted up
High, high, high, high
Hey, everybody, I'm Dave Chappelle.
If you want to learn more about marijuana or other illegal substances,
go to your local library.
Remember, the more you read...
The smarter you are.
Yeah!
All right, man.